Now, there's something I need to sort out. I don't know how many Mums and Dads are reading this, and how many cats and dogs. But could I ask, very politely, that, before we go any further, you Mums and Dads switch off your computers ?Why? Well, although the cats and dogs might find my thoughts helpful, they wouldn't be of the slightest interest to humans . . . in fact you humans would find them terribly, terribly dull . . . a positive waste of time.
All right . . have the Mums and Dads gone?
Good! Now, cats and dogs, let's share a few tips on how to handle those humans we live with.
We'll start with the irritating matter of cutting short visits.
All too often, when I'm out visiting and everyone's enjoying my company, my Mum will suddenly stand up and announce that we should be leaving.
Why? I'm being the perfect guest and no-one wants me to go.
So, what do I do? I close my eyes very tight and pretend I'm asleep.
Believe you me, it works like a charm . . . ! Humans never like to disturb you when you're sound asleep.A word of warning, if you try this ploy when you're out visiting, just make sure that the tip of your tail doesn't twitch. It can be a bit of a give-away.
There's another annoying thing that humans do . . . you may well have experienced it yourself.
But, once again, we can be smarter than they are.
When my Mum and I are out enjoying a walk, she has a very bad habit of looking at her watch and, without even asking my opinion, declaring that it's time to go home.
I first pretend I haven't heard. Then I quickly look around for a handy seat . . . and very firmly sit down.
If you follow this strategy, look as though you intend to stay on that seat for a long time. Give the impression that you need to ponder on Higher Thoughts. Humans have great respect for Higher Thoughts.
Perhaps Higher Thoughts aren't your saucer of milk? Don't worry, there's an alternative, more active ploy that would suit you perfectly. Pretend you've spotted something in the flowerbed . . . something very exciting that demands your immediate attention.
Lean forward with an excited expression and quivering whiskers . . . give every indication that you need to concentrate, and can't possibly be disturbed.
That, too, works like a charm . . . humans are surprisingly cautious of unexpected things appearing in the flowerbed.And if all those ploys have been used up, and you're nearly back home, then, take heart, you still hold the trump card!
Go to that last bit of bare earth and give it a serious sniff. Turn it over a little with your paws . . even dig a small hole. Act slowly and thoughtfully, as though your mind is on important matters . . . and you can drag out this performance just as long as you like.
No human will take you back indoors if they think you need to make a puddle!
Well, that's all for now. These delaying tactics have all been tried and tested . . . I do hope you find them helpful.
Just one word of warning . . . please delete this letter.
Our Mums and Dads mean well, they like to think they're running the show . . . we wouldn't want to spoil it for them, would we!
